


the unspoken word

by evawilkinson



Category: Euphoria (TV 2019)
Genre: Crush, Euphoria, F/F, Gay, LGBT, Lesbain, Love, Rexi, Unrequited, relationship, wlw
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2020-06-04
Packaged: 2020-10-19 09:47:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,383
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20655200
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evawilkinson/pseuds/evawilkinson
Summary: Rue never understood why Lexi cared so much, until she finally understood what it was like to watch someone you loved crumble.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> thank you for giving this story a shot! this is a Rexi fanfic (obviously) that kind of has an alternate timeline, so watch out for that.

CHAPTER 1 - Say Sorry 

Lexi pushed her way past the girls entering the bathroom, tears rolling down her face, doing her best to ignore their judgmental stares. Rue could be mean. Lexi knew that. But she also knew Rue never meant it. Not really. She was just projecting. After all the pain Rue had endured, she needed a place to take it out. 

For the last couple years, Lexi had happily been Rue’s punching bag. Lexi was Rue’s best friend, even if Rue didn’t consider it that way. She would have gladly taken a hit if it meant Rue would feel better.

Lately, however, Lexi wasn’t so sure. A fear had been growing in Lexi’s head. A fear that seemed more likely every single day. 

Maybe Rue wasn’t projecting. Or, maybe she was. But either way, one thing was inherently clear. Rue didn’t want her around any more. The girls had been friends for ages, but quite honestly, Lexi couldn’t remember the last time Rue had seemed to enjoy her company. Rue’s words wrung in Lexi’s ears. “you’re so fucking stupid, Lexi”

Stupid. But stupid why? Because she had asked the obvious question ‘are you okay?’ to which she already knew the answer? Unlikely. She had been stupid because she assumed that Rue would even want Lexi to check on her in the first place. Stupid to assume Rue would want Lexi to be the one to pick up the pieces. 

They just had nothing in common any more, Rue said it all the time. Unless, of course, Rue needed a favour.

Lexi pressed her back up against a locker, and scrunched her eyes shut, trying to stop the tears from trickling down her cheeks. Lexi had never cried in public before, all of her friends had, but lexi was used to being the one instructing her friends to take deep breaths, to wipe smudged mascara from under their eyes and tell them everything was going to be OK.

Lexi was embarrassed, sure, but even more so she felt defeated. She couldn’t do the one thing she was good at for the one person she wanted to do it for most. It made her feel helpless.

“Jesus, Lex, are you okay?” Lexi opened her eyes. The remaining tears escaped her eyes, as Maddy Perez came into clear vision.

“I’m fine” Lexi answered stubbornly. 

“You’re clearly not. what happened?” Maddy insisted.

Maddy was mostly Cassie’s friend, but Lexi knew she cared about her, despite them not being especially close. At the current moment, though, the family ties didn’t feel like enough to open up to her about Rue. 

Lexi looked down quietly, half of her was trying to think of an excuse, but the other half knew it wouldn’t matter anyways.

“Okay, i’m getting Cassie” Maddy sighed.

“Wait Maddy, NO!” She suddenly protested. The last thing she would want was to get her sister involved. 

“Then tell me what’s wrong” Maddy ordered boldly. Lexi sighed. She was searching her mind for the simplest answer to what she had been feeling for the last couple years. 

Having an all controlling, passionate, aching desire for Rue to be happy, or even for her to understand that Lexi really, deeply cared for her. To feel that closeness to her, like she used to when they were kids. Although, as Lexi had aged, she had longed for more then that childhood friendship. In her most obscure fantasies, she even imagined them kissing, but she was constantly shattered by the fact that most of the time, Rue didn’t even seem to want to see her. 

“I like someone who doesn’t like me back” Lexi answered simply. The answer didn’t remotely capture the complexity of Lexi’s feelings, but it would do. 

Maddy gave her an understanding smile. “Hey, we’ve all been there. Well, maybe you haven’t. But that’s fine. you know how many times I’ve gotten my heart broken? Trust me. I know how to handle this” Maddy assured her.

Lexi smiled hesitantly. “Are you sure? I can’t imagine anyone rejecting you” she said honestly, not noticing how obviously insecure it made her seem.

“Everyone gets rejected, Lexi. it’s no big deal. You just need to loosen up a bit, have some fun. Forget him.”

“Yeah, yeah I guess you’re right.” She agreed, but at the same time, Lexi wasn’t quite sure if Maddy had ever felt the kind of feelings Lexi felt for Rue. And she wasn’t quite sure ‘loosening up’ would do the job for her.

“Me, Cassie, and Kat are going out tonight. You’re coming.” Maddy beamed. 

It was later that night, and Lexi had been preparing for over an hour. she didn’t go out very often, in fact, she didn’t go out at all. She had no idea what to expect. Could partying away her troubles really make her forget Rue? Could it really help? Would guys hit on her? Would she even like it if that happened? Lexi had been unsure about her sexuality for as long as she could remember. After a while, she decided to stop questioning it and go with the flow. 

Just then, Cassie walked into their joint room. She looked Lexi up and down disapprovingly. “You are not wearing that.” She said matter of factly.

“What? You don’t like it?” Lexi croaked, looking down at her fuzzy sweater and plaid skirt. 

“Lexi, your fashion sense is adorable but you’ve gotta step it up a bit when you go out” Cassie mused. 

“Well, this is all I’ve got” Lexi shrugged dismissively. It was the truth, unlike her sister’s, her wardrobe was pretty basic. Lexi never seemed to be invited to the mother daughter shopping trips Cassie and Suze always went on. She tried not to let it bother her.

“That’s fine, I’ll lend you one of mine. We’re pretty much the same size anyways” Cassie smiled.

“except for the chestal area” Lexi muttered.

“We’ll make any necessary adjustments” She assured her.

Lexi sighed. Her sister was going out of her way to make sure Lexi’s first public outing was special. “Thanks, Cass.” She smiled genuinely. 

“Don’t worry about it” Cassie smiled back.

In the car ride there, Lexi was practically jittering in fear. Her friends noticed, and of course, had pointed it out for their own amusement. “I feel like I’m taking a baby out clubbing” Kat had scoffed. Lexi rolled her eyes, but she knew she couldn’t hide her nerves. 

Cassie patted Lexi on the leg. “She’ll do fine. She is my sister after all” she stated proudly.

“Just.. don’t set your hopes too high” Lexi warned. 

When they had entered the house of the host (Lexi hadn’t asked who that host was) She found herself both overwhelmed and underwhelmed at the same time. It was pretty much exactly what she had expected, but yet the flashing lights, loud music, and lingering smell of alcohol were instantly draining. 

“Alright, We’re gonna start with a round of drinks, you coming?” Cassie asked, turning to Lexi.

Lexi felt suddenly out of place. Even with her hair and makeup done, even with Cassie’s skin tight red dress Lexi had burrowed, that made her feel hyper aware of her body, she still felt sure that anyone who saw her would know immediately she didn’t belong. 

“Actually, I think I might just find somewhere to chill for now. You know.. socialize” Lexi gave her sister a smile.

“C’mon Lexi, remember what we talked about? If you want to get the most out of this experience you’ve gotta let loose, have a couple drinks” Maddy suddenly jumped in.

“Later” Lexi shook her head. It was probably a lie. Maddy gave her a disappointed look, and Cassie shrugged. 

“Okay, we’ll catch up with you later. Don’t do anything too stupid” Cassie waved.

“or do” Maddy added with a giggle. Lexi watched the three girls leave, and stood still for a moment. Maybe she should have gone, then at the very least she’d have something to do. Or, better yet, she should have just stayed home. Put on her sad playlist, and thought about Rue. Yeah, she should have done that. 

She wandered rather aimlessly to the living room, where people were dancing sloppily all over each other. Lexi resisted the urge to cringe. She felt like a parent, nagging about the regular tendencies of drunk teens.

As Lexi looked through the crowd, she was surprised to see people she hadn’t expected to. Amy, from her math class, who had always seemed quiet and put together, was currently grinding on one of the basketball players. Lexi wondered how she didn’t realize someone she knew so well was a party person. What else didn't she know about the people seeping her? 

Lexi saw more unexpected faces as she looked around, and although many of them shocked her, one face in particular had her frozen where she stood, eyes wide, and heart thumping. 

It was Rue. She wasn’t drunk, nor was she flailing around wretchedly like most others in the room. She was dancing, eyes closed, with a big smile on her face. She was feeling the music, every inch of her body moving perfectly to the beat. Lexi was in awe of how she always seemed to radiate that cool exterior, as if she didn’t give a fuck about anyone or anything. 

Lexi found herself so mesmerized she almost didn’t notice the tall blonde Rue was dancing with. Almost. 

Although her heart ached every time she saw the two together, she couldn’t hate Jules. The girl hadn’t done a thing wrong, and she had never seen Rue happier then when she was with her.

Generally speaking, Lexi approved of the pairing. Anything as long as Rue was happy. However, in this particular moment, it was the last thing she wanted to see. 

After taking a moment to regain her awareness, she slowly turned around. Maybe she’d have a drink after all. Lexi headed to the punch bowl, which, definitely wasn’t filled with punch. When she got there, her sister and her friends were gone. It didn’t matter, Lexi took a cup and filled it up to the brim.

“Lexi? I thought I saw you” 

Lexi turned around, to see Jules hovering over her, giving her a big smile. “Oh, hey, Jules” Lexi answered unenthusiastically. She considered asking about Rue’s whereabouts, but figured that was sort of anti productive. 

“Watcha doing here? I don’t think Ive ever seen you at a party before.” Jules observed. Lexi smiled a little.

“Yeah, I’ve just been kinda down lately, figured I needed to unwind a bit” She explained truthfully, while avoiding the unnecessary details:

“huh, well.. in that case, do you maybe wanna try something a bit stronger?” Offered Jules. Lexi laughed nervously. 

“Stronger? what do you mean?” She asked. She probably should’ve just said no immediately. Jules took out a little zip lock, with a couple small pills in them. 

“You can try it if you want, no pressure though” Smiled Jules. 

“I don’t- I don’t know. What is it?” Lexi had asked. She didn’t really know why she bothered. She was going to say no anyways. She felt dangerous enough even taking a cup of alcohol. She wasn’t about to take any drugs. 

Before Jules could answer, Rue suddenly appeared behind her. “Jules what the hell are you doing?” She spat urgently, pulling Jules to face her. 

“Lexi said she needed to unwind, I was just offering. She can do whatever she wants” Shrugged Jules. Rue put her head in her hands, holding her forehead. 

“Why do you even have those, Jules?” She asked under her breath, sounding a little fed up, or maybe just tired. 

“Someone gave them to me, relax I didn’t take any” Jules countered defensively. 

Lexi stood awkwardly in her place. She felt like she had just got caught red handed, and was about to get into trouble. That didn’t really make sense though. Why should Rue care? Lexi figured Rue was more so just disappointed in Jules for even having anything on her. 

“Then why are you offering it to Lexi? She doesn’t need that shit” Rue hissed.

Suddenly Lexi felt a sting of irritation run through her. Rue would complain about them having nothing in common, and she would constantly distance herself from Lexi, but suddenly it was an issue if she wanted to have some fun? “Maybe I want it” Lexi said, instantly regretting her words. 

Lexi wanted nothing to do with whatever the pill was, and Rue was completely right to intervene. God, she wished she could kick herself. Rue turned her eyes to meet Lexi’s for the first time since she’d arrived. “Lexi, trust me you don’t” She said sternly. 

Lexi tried her best to agree, to say anything really, but all she found herself doing was staring at Rue. It was stupid, but for some reason the moment seemed important. Maybe because, for the first time in a long time, Rue seemed to really see her. And, surprisingly, actually care. 

“Lexi? you with me?” Rue questioned, still staring at Lexi so intensely, Lexi was scared she’d see right through her. 

”Yeah, and.. I think I want to go home” Lexi admitted with a small gulp. 

Rue nodded slowly, not taking her eyes away from Lexi’s. “I’ll take you.” She offered. Lexi’s face lit up, totally dumbfounded by Rue’s response. 

”You don’t have to do that” Lexi answered quickly, not wanting to be a pain in the ass. 

”Please, Lex” Rue whispered. 

Rue really didn’t even have to ask. “Yeah, okay lets go” Lexi said, unable to contain her smile. 

”Wait, Rue you’re leaving? Listen, I’m sorry I even offered I just- ... please don’t be mad at me” Jules suddenly spoke. 

Rue turned around, and gave Jules a smile so gentle it could have literally killed Lexi. “I’m not mad at you, I just want to walk her home. I’ll come back later” Rue promised. 

Lexi and Rue begun to walk home, and the air between them was calm, peaceful even. Somehow, Lexi felt like something important was going to happen. So, she waited. She knew it would come, so she waited contently. blissfully. ”Lexi I- I know what I said to you today was really sucky, and I just.. I need you to know that I didn’t mean it.” Rue stuttered, her voice slightly raspy, but still so soothing it could have put Lexi to sleep. 

Truthfully, Lexi had already forgotten about the whole ordeal, but she figured she may as well have some fun. “which part specifically?” She teased. 

Rue smiled lightly. “All of it, plus everything I’ve said to you in like, the last couple of years.” Rue joked. Lexi laughed, and after a moment of silence passed between them, as they continued walking home. 

“I want to be a better friend, Lex. And I want to make it up to you. So, I’ll literally do anything you want. Seriously. Just ask and it’s done.” Rue Said in complete seriousness. Then, for a second, she waited for a response. 

”Just.. say you’re sorry” Lexi asked. 

”Seriously? That’s it?” She scoffed. 

”Yeah.. that’s it.” Lexi repeated, avoiding eye contact. 

Rue stepped in front of Lexi, stopping her from walking, and forcing her to look up, Then she put both of her hands on Lexi’s shoulders. “Lexi Howard, for all the pain I’ve put you through, I sincerely apologize. Can you find it in your heart to forgive me?” Rue said Dramatically. 

Lexi rolled her eyes and shoved Rue’s hands away from her, while the two girls laughed it off. Once their laughter had faded, Lexi looked down to her feet and smiled. Then, she mumbled, if only to herself “always.” 


	2. sleepovers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi :) i just wanted to thank everyone so much for the comments, and support. It really means a lot. this is my first story so i was a little nervous about the first chapter.

Rue and Lexi had been walking home together for almost fifteen minutes now. Rue had been so grateful she had managed to apologize. Honestly, with the amount of anxiety that came with even thinking about the things she had said to Lexi, she wasn’t sure she’d even be able to.

She was grateful she did, though. There was a certain sense of relief she felt when she’d apologized. Especially when she had heard the soft ‘always’ Lexi had muttered under her breath. Rue wasn’t even sure if she was supposed to hear that, but, she had. And it was all she could think about since.

Yeah, forgiveness felt good. Maybe she should make a list of all the sorry motherfuckers she had ever screwed over, line them up, and apologize one by one. She was pretty sure most of them wouldn’t be quite as gracious as Lexi though.

“So, Jules mentioned you were looking to unwind” Rue grinned. Fuck. what a terribly awkward thing to say.

Lexi’s face flushed. “Fuck, Rue, I didn’t mean it like.. that” she stuttered.

Rue smiled widely, holding back a bark of laughter. “I figured” she snorted. Lexi’s eyes rolled to the back of her head.

“Look, I never party and I just figured I was missing out. I just needed to like.. relax or something” Lexi trailed off.

Rue looked Lexi up and down. She had clearly dressed for the event. Red lipstick, a matching red dress that hugged Lexi’s figure. The dress seemed almost too special for the event. The party was simply unworthy of it.

“I promise you, you’re not missing out.” Rue assured her. Lexi smiled, and Rue returned the gesture. “You look good, by the way” Rue commented, nudging Lexi.

Lexi turned her head down almost immediately. “thanks” she muttered quietly. The girl couldn’t even take a compliment.

Rue considered asking Lexi if there was anyone in particular she was dressing up for, but then came to the odd conclusion that, if there was, she didn’t really want to know about it.

”Um, I think we’re here now” Lexi stated.

”yeah? you think?” Rue replied sarcastically, pushing open Lexi’s front door, which, they were standing directly in front of. 

“No I know” laughed Lexi. “I just meant that.. like, didn't you tell Jules you’d be right back, or something?” asked Lexi nervously. 

Rue sighed. She was hoping she could have pretended to forget that. Rue loved Jules more then anything else on the fucking planet, but she had been acting so differently. Drinking excessively, apparently dealing unknown drugs to her friends.. There was definitely something wrong. Rue knew, the right thing to do would be to just ask. Then, maybe they could sort out the issue. But, selfishly, Rue didn’t think she could bear to hear about Jules` boy problems, or watch her run around doing all the things Rue couldn't do since she had started trying out sobriety. 

And then, of course, there was Lexi. Lexi, who she hadn’t had a real conversation with in years. Lexi, who was actually a really funny, sweet person. The memory of their argument earlier that day flashed through Rue’s head, an she remembered the look on Lexi’s face when she had come to check on her. Lexi, who really, genuinely cared for Rue, for whatever reason. 

“Well, do you want me to stay?” Rue asked. Out loud, it was a simple question. In Rue’s head, however, it sounded like a plead for permission. 

The short couple seconds of silence between Rue’s question and Lexi’s answer felt unbearable. Rue felt like she was constantly playing a high stakes poker game when it came to people. She never quite knew what anybody else was thinking, if she was reading them completely wrong or not, and she was always terrified people could see right through her act. 

Rue hoped Lexi didn’t realize how bad she wanted to stay. She hoped Lexi wouldn’t realize how vulnerable Rue was. If she did, she might use that power to her advantage.

“Yeah, actually. I kinda do, if you don’t mind of course” Lexi spoke softly, with a gentle smile.

“Well, I don’t mind staying” Rue replied, crossing her arms defensively in front of her, and looking around aimlessly. 

“Okay” Lexi’s smile widened even more. She shut the door behind her, and locked it carefully, while Rue waited beside her, leaning on the outer frame of the door. 

”Lexi? Are you home already?” Rue heard Suze’s voice boom from the living room.

”Hi mom, yeah it’s me. Rue’s here too.” Lexi called back.

”Lexi, do you know what time it is?” Suze demanded suddenly. 

“Uh, yeah. It’s like 10:00 pm” Lexi said, her voice sheer and filled with confusion.

“Exactly. It’s fucking ten Lex. you left at 9:20. It’s your first party and you can’t last 40 minutes?” Suze questioned.

After all these years, Rue thought she knew Suze fairly well. She could say things in an aggressive way, even when her intent was good. Rue was fine with that. But, even in dim lighting, she saw the way Lexi’s face completely dropped at her mother’s words, and Rue wasn’t so sure she was fine with _that. _

“Yeah, it wasn’t really my scene” Lexi mumbled uncomfortably. 

“You know Lexi, one of these days you’re gonna have to get out of that room of yours and actually do something. These years are going to be some of the most important of your life. Live a little” Suze advised. 

“Well to be fair, I think she almost did, like, ecstasy or some shit” Rue blurted, holding in a laugh. 

“Rue!” Lexi scolded quietly, pushing Rue over a bit. Rue laughed more wildly now, seeing Lexi’s smile return to its former fullness. 

“Jesus fucking christ. We’re going up stairs mom!” Lexi called, as she grabbed Rue’s arm and pulled her up stairs. Rue laughed uncontrollably as she let Lexi guide her up. She had really missed this. 

Lexi and Rue entered Lexi’s bedroom. Rue was still laughing, and Lexi had started to giggle herself. “She’s gonna start thinking you’re a bad influence if you keep saying shit like that” Lexi grinned. 

“Well she wouldn’t be wrong” Rue shrugged. 

“Yeah but, then you’d never be allowed over, and we wouldn’t be able to hang out anymore. So, just don’t say that kinda stuff around her, kay?” Lexi asked.

”...Okay” She agreed, jumping on Lexi’s bed. 

They both lied down on their backs, In silence for a moment. “Can I ask you something?” Lexi mumbled, as she joined Rue on the bed.

”What?” Rue questioned. 

“What’s going on with Jules? I mean I see you two together all the time, and it’s pretty obvious you’re close. Like, _really_ close, and, I dunno, you usually look pretty happy with her, and tonight you didn’t, and she was being kind of weird too-” Lexi rambled. 

“Lex.” Rue cut her off. 

”Sorry” Lexi responded, placing her hands over her mouth. 

Rue smiled. “It’s fine” she sighed. “Honestly, things with Jules are usually great. She’s fucking amazing, and I really love her. I don’t think I’ve ever met anyone like her. I think we connected because, like, we’ve both been in like really dark places before, and we both have our own demons. Usually that brings us together, but if both of our bad sides are out.. like, at the same time, they just kinda.. clash” Rue admitted. She was grateful she could finally say that out loud. It’d kinda been eating at her for a while. 

She looked at Lexi, who was staring up at the ceiling, looking almost lost in thought. Rue seriously thought she just wasn’t going to respond. “I think that, you need constant validation, because you’re scared to loose the people around you, and Jules hates committing, because then she feels trapped, and that makes her feel unsafe” Lexi analyzed.

In another headspace, Rue might’ve been angry at Lexi for kind of crossing a boundary, but fuck. She was right, and somehow, it was almost felt nice that Lexi seemed to understand things so easily. Rue didn’t need to explain herself, Lexi already got it. She thought she’d be terrified of that kind of transparency, but Lexi made Rue feel safe. 

“You should be a fucking therapist” Rue mumbled under her breath. Lexi giggled quietly. 

“Everything will be okay with Jules. Demons come and go. If you love someone, I think that stays with you. Like, in some way or another” Lexi said. She sounded like she believed it. She was kinda an optimist, for someone who hadn’t seen their dad in three years. 

“Maybe you’re right” Rue said. She wasn’t sure if she believed it as much as Lexi did. Maybe, It scared Rue that a conversation with her friend could feel like a breath of fresh air, when most of the time being with Jules felt like drowning.

”Rue?” Lexi asked again.

”What’s up?” Rue replied softly. 

“Are you and Jules like, together?” Lexi asked. 

“I don’t wanna talk about Jules anymore, Lex” Rue moaned. 

“It’s okay if you are, you know. Like, I don’t care” Lexi added.

”What? That I’m gay?” Rue questioned. She had avoided talking about that with Lexi for like, forever. She was scared it’d be awkward, considering they had kissed, and, it had been Rue’s suggestion. She didn’t want to make Lexi uncomfortable. Although, she figured it was kind of obvious. 

“Yeah. I think it’s fine if you and Jules are dating. It’s almost relieving actually” she continued. 

“Relieving?” Rue chuckled. “Why?” she questioned. 

“Because, then I know she didn’t take my spot as your _best friend” _Lexi teased_. _

Rue shoved Lexi in the elbow. She knew she was referring to their argument in the bathroom. 

“Ouch!” exclaimed Lexi with a laugh. 

Rue sat back down, shaking her head and smiling. She fucking loved Lexi.

She couldn’t believe she had let herself forget how much she loved Lexi.

How stupid she could be, how clueless she could be, how funny, and sweet, and genuine she could be. Thinking about that made her feel warm inside.

”Can I sleep here?” Rue asked. 

“Yeah- yeah go ahead” Lexi answered quickly. 

“Good, because I’m already like half asleep” Rue groaned from Lexi’s bed. 

Rue couldn’t remember the last time she’d fallen asleep so easily, so stress free.

”Good night, Rue” Lexi said, shutting off the lights, and cozying herself under the covers.

”Good night, Lex” Rue replied, pushing herself just a little bit closer to Lexi. It was kind of cold, anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so.. i tried doing Rue’s perspective. What do you guys think? and which perspective do you prefer? (i’ll probably alternate between them regardless, but if you prefer a certain perspective more, i’ll try to focus on that)


	3. how it always was

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi! sorry for the lack of updates, and thank you sm to anyone still reading. little note, in the last chapter Rue talks about the "practice kiss" rue and lexi had from the show, but I totally forgot I wrote that, and in this chapter lexi states she's never kissed anyone before and that that never happened, so can we all pls pretend rue never mentioned the practice kiss, and it hasn't happened yet? thanks. I went back and changed it anyways.

Lexi woke up with her head resting on Rue’s shoulder, and two long arms wrapped around her. She thanked the heavens last night hadn’t been a dream. Lexi closed her eyes, and replayed every moment of the previous night over and over again in her mind, the way she had done last night. Unfortunately, it all seemed to be warping into one big mixture of bliss.

for a while she just lied there, scared to move, or do anything to wake Rue up. once she woke up, Lexi had no control over what happened next. Rue had a tendency of acting sort of bipolar. she had been in a good mood last night. what about today? what if she woke up angry, and cold. what if she woke up, and wished she had stayed with jules instead of going back with lexi? she couldn’t bear the idea, so she kept still.

a couple minutes passed, until Lexi was startled by a loud groan emerging from beside her.

“good morning,” lexi chuckled as rue sat up in bed and stretched.

“i fucking hate mornings,” Rue groaned, but, as Lexi noticed, there was no sense of anger or bitterness in her voice.

Lexi checked the time on her phone, and scowled. “I think you’ll hate it more after you realize what time it is” she sighed. Rue leaned over Lexi to check the time on her phone. Lexi leaned back uncomfortably at Rue’s touch.

“fuck,” Rue mumbled. they had about five minutes to get ready before they had to leave for school.

Lexi and Rue fumbled quickly out of bed, and Lexi went over to her closet. she picked out an outfit for the day, but hesitated. she’d changed in front of Rue before, but they’d been younger. she looked back at Rue, who was standing by the bed on her phone.

“Rue what are you doing we need to get going,” Lexi reminded her.

“sorry, sorry, it’s just, it’s jules. she started freaking out after I didn’t come back last night” Rue said, furrowing her brows.

“oh,” Lexi pursed her lips. “i’m sorry Rue, i didn’t mean to make things more complicated,” she said quietly.

“nah, i wanted to stay lex. Jules was just worried, she’s not mad,” Rue explained.

Lexi sighed, trying to loosen herself up. she felt stiff, and awkward. ”good, then stop texting and get dressed,” Lexi said, tossing Rue the most tomboy, oversized hoodie she owned.

“right, thanks,” Rue said, starting to change into it without hesitation.

Lexi immediately spun around to face a wall, her cheeks flushed. she started to change herself, as quickly as she could, so that she would be finished by the time Rue looked over at her. “ready?” Lexi asked, turning back to face Rue. “mhm, lets roll,” Rue replied, following Lexi out the door.

Rue and Lexi had walked to school. the house had been empty by the time they’d left. Cassie had woken up long before, and already left for school. Suze had left for work, and neither of them had bothered to wake Rue or Lexi up. resulting in them being about twenty minutes late to school.

Rue and Lexi tried to sneaked subtly into their block 1 class, while trying to avoid the dirty look from their teacher.

when Rue saw jules, she headed straight over to her and sat down beside her. Lexi followed awkwardly, and decided to sit down beside them. She usually sat by herself in the back, but maybe Rue and Jules wouldn’t mind if she sat with them, for a change.

“there you are, i got worried after you stormed out on me last night,” whispered Jules with a grin.

“i didn’t storm out,” Rue defended, but smiled a little to herself.

“uh huh, yes you did,” Jules laughed.

“whatever,” Rue rolled her eyes playfully, as Jules nudged her in the shoulder.

Lexi felt like she didn’t even exist when she sat next to the two of them. no matter how much Lexi wished it would be different, if Jules was there, she would always have Rue’s focus.

“hi Lexi,” Jules smiled sweetly, when she noticed Lexi’s presence.

“hi,” lexi smiled back. she couldn’t find it in herself to dislike Jules. the girl was sweet, and she made Rue happy.

“how do you feel? after last night i mean,” Jules asked with a hint of humour in her voice.

“pretty good. i mean, it’s not like i actually took anything,” Lexi pointed out.

“right,” Jules smiled to herself. “you were alright on your own after Rue went home?” she asked.

Rue turned to Lexi with wide eyes, and lexi looked at her in confusion. “don’t tell her,” Rue mouthed, as she looked at Lexi pleadingly.

“uh, yeah I was fine,” Lexi responded obligingly.

“that’s good,” Jules nodded.

Jules began filling Rue in on what she’d missed last night, as Lexi tuned out, wondering helplessly, why Rue would want their sleepover to be a secret.

“Lexi?” she heard a voice from behind her.

“yeah?” she responded, turning around to see Tucker Blake. They’d gone to elementary school together, so they’d spoken before, but not since high school.

“you were at Nates party last night, right?” he asked with a smile.

she suddenly felt embarrassed. she had been hoping her failed attempt at being a party person would be a secret that stayed between herself and Rue.

“I guess I was” she said, smiling politely back.

“I thought I saw you, but I wasn’t sure. I tried looking for you after but I couldn’t find you,” he admitted.

“yeah, something came up, I had to leave early,” she half lied. suddenly, something clicked in her head. “wait, did you say you were looking for me?” she smiled playfully.

“uh,” he laughed nervously, growing a little pink. “honestly yeah, I was hoping I’d get to talk to you. I mean, it’s a rare opportunity, getting to see you outside of school,”

“oh, right,” she looked down. she hadn’t realized people were so aware of her lack of social presence.

“well, I’m going to Nate jacob’s party tonight, if you want to come,” he stated”

“sure, i mean, maybe. i’ll think about it,” Lexi fumbled. After last night, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to give parties another shot.

All though, last night hadn’t ended so poorly after all, now that she thought of it.

“alright well, why don’t I give you my number, and you can text me if you decide to come. I’ll pick you up and everything,” he smiled.

Lexi’s throat tightened, and her pulse quickened. pick her up? “okay,” she smiled, trying to act cool.

she picked up her pen and wrote her number neatly on Tucker’s homework.

“cool. see you tonight, hopefully,” he smiled.

Lexi turned back towards the front.

“Lex, what was that?” Rue asked with a grin.

“I’ll tell you after ,” Lexi smiled.

Lexi was sitting with Kat at lunch, filling her in on what had happened in class. Lexi’s stories were nothing compared to hers, but it was a big deal to Lexi, so kat listened intently.

“that’s great Lex! do you think he’s cute?” she mused.

“I don’t really know, i guess?” she answered softly, fiddling with her sleeve.

“who is?” asked Rue, sliding into the the table with Jules.

“Tucker Blake, he asked Lexi out this morning,” Kat exclaimed.

“wait, really? is that what was happening in class?” Rue asked curiously.

“okay, he didn’t ask me out. he just asked me if I wanted to come to Nate’s party,” Lexi explained.

“and offered to pick her up,” kat added.

“Really? he definitely did ask you out then,” Jules concluded happily.

“so wait, are you gonna go? like do you want to?” Rue asked carefully.

“she should! go catch some dick,” Jules exclaimed.

Rue rolled her eyes and laughed, then looked back at Lexi, and raised her brows. “you still haven’t answered my question, you know,” she reminded Lexi.

“I don’t know, I don’t even know if I like him, i’m not against it I just.. I don’t know,” Lexi sighed.

Rue watched her intently. “You should go, then. give it a shot,” Rue advised.

“ok, but, what if he wants, to like, hookup?” Lexi questioned anxiously.

“would that be so bad?” Kat questioned.

Lexi bit her lip anxiously. “I’ve never done it before,” she admitted. she tried to avoid eye contact, but she felt Rue staring at her.

“ok well, there’s a first time for everything. it’s no big deal lexi don’t worry,” Jules consoled.

Lexi shook her head, it was a big deal to her. “I don’t know, I think I might be, like, asexual or some shit,” Lexi huffed.

Lexi looked at Rue, who was staring directly at her, her face gentle. she almost shivered.

okay, she definitely was not asexual.

“okay, well, baby steps lex. have you ever kissed anyone before?” Kat asked.

“nope,” Lexi admitted.

“wait really? never?” jules questioned.

“never,” Lexi reiterated.

“how?” Jules questioned.

“I don’t know, there was just never an opportunity to,” Lexi said.

“it’s fine, Jules,” Rue said in attempt to quiet her friend.

“well, would you be opposed to kissing Tucker tonight?” Kat asked.

“no,” Lexi answered simply.

“well start there I guess, go in with no expectations and do whatever feels right,” Kat told Lexi.

“Thanks, Kat,” Lexi said. she appreciated that her friends took time out of their crazy lives to help Lexi with her tame, baby like issues.

"So, who else is going?" Kat asked her friends.

"Maddie and Cassie swore off Nate's parties in light of Maddie and Nates newest split, but me and Rue are going. Right?" Jules turned happily to Rue, who was biting her lip uncomfortably.

"_Right... Rue?"_ she asked again with uncertainty.

"Right, as long as you don't go crazy this time," Rue mumbled

Jules laughed out loud. _"Okay, I won't"_ she assured her.

Lexi sat back and opened her phone, as she heard Rue and Jules starting to talk about other things. Kat talked with them, but her voice was dominated by Rue and Jules' laughter. Lexi dared to steal a glance at Rue as they talked. Rue really was completely head over heels for Jules. It was so plainly visible, and Lexi hated how that hurt her, more so, she hated that she knew exactly why it did, but still would never in a billion years admit it out loud. Not that it really mattered. Lexi knew she never held a candle to Jules. She was fooling herself if she thought her and Rue's encounter last night had been to Rue what It was to Lexi.

And just like that, Lexi had went and gotten herself all bothered. And over nothing. None of this was new. Lexi told herself for the thousandth time, that none of that stuff mattered. She was being dramatic. She'd always known how things were, and she had always been fine with it.

Lexi stood up, and slipped out of their table.

"where're you going?" Kat asked

"My locker, I forgot to grab something," Lexi answered.

As Lexi fled the cafeteria, she noticed Rue following her out of the corner of her eye.

"Lex!" Rue called.

Lexi turned around to face her.

"Do you mind if I come with you after school? I forgot some of my stuff at your house," Rue asked.

"Oh, yeah no problem," Lexi answered gently.

"Cool. Sorry I would have asked you earlier, but _Jules_ was there, so," Rue shrugged.

Lexi furrowed her brows in confusion. "Right, Right, why _are_ we hiding that again?" Lexi asked.

Rue stiffened, and her hands retreated deep into her pockets. "I don't know, It's just I told her I wasn't feeling well, it's just easier to explain."

“okay,” she sighed, although Rue’s answer didn’t answer her questions. “i’ll meet you by your locker after school” lexi said. Rue nodded, and Lexi headed out of the cafeteria alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! sorry I know this chapter is vry dry, but i promise the next chapter won’t be! it will also be up very soon to make up for my lack of updates.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this had basically no Rue, next chapter will be more interesting + have more rexi. i’ve already started writing.


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